I would lay in bed unable to get up because I had not nourished my body in a healthy way. Actually getting to prepare for 10Ks was a distant dream because I could barely get through a few miles. Yes… I lost weight, but at a much higher cost than I ever imagined. It was never enough. I always wanted to be thinner and smaller. My friends and family noticed a difference in my face because I didn’t have the “Amanda Spark” anymore that usually marked me. The appearance I had always taken confidence in… my smile… was gone and empty.
Now three years into recovery… my “Amanda Spark” is back and brighter than ever. Through faith and treatment, I realized that my healthy was more important than the size of my waist and always would be. I still deal with some of the long-lasting health impacts of an eating disorder but I’m actively pursuing a heart healthy life. I’m a runner, athlete, and overcomer.
It’s so easy to get caught up and take things to extremes. Sometimes we “just want to lose 10 pounds” but then see that we start to face anxiety when it comes to food. Those are disordered thoughts that, if not handled correctly, can take people to the darkest places. It’s a snowball effect and will slowly take over the life of it’s subject. Instead of living to enjoy life, you live to be thin. The person in an eating disorder will begin avoiding gatherings where there is food, withdraw from family and friends, and keep a secret from those who love them most. If you’re facing these situations… please, please, please reach out. You were created for more than “being thin.”
This has been my reality for 6 years. Three years in the depths and three years in recovery. Even though I was “skinny” by society’s terms… my heart was empty.
I was seeking validation and worth from the number on the scale. I know fully understand that my worth comes from the Father and that my life was worth dying for.
My weight is fully restored and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m healthy… physically and mentally.
When I worried about my appearance and being “thin enough”, I found myself unhappy… unfulfilled… depressed. I found myself on the path to my death bed.
When I focused on staying healthy, I found myself… my life…. and happiness.
Redefining Beauty Worldwide,
Miss International 2016