Why Not Me?
“What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.”
Winning the title of Miss International was a dream I never thought would become a reality. A phrase that has always been a repeating theme in my life has been “Why me?” Well, let me tell you, the moment I changed that phrase from “Why me?” to “Why not me?” was when the whole game changed.
Like I mentioned, this has been a repeating phrase in my life for sometime. One of the first times it crossed my mind was when applying for college at the University of Minnesota and auditioning for their dance program. As a state a national champion dancer, a dream of mine was to dance with the University of Minnesota. I felt amazing at the audition for the program. I was hitting every turn, nailing the choreography and felt entirely in my element. The program was everything I was looking for at the time and felt like a fit for me.
A few weeks later I received my letter that I made the cut! I was going to be part of the dance program! However, I was still waiting on my acceptance into the actual school. Unfortunately, that letter never came. I called the school and did everything that I could to change their minds and accept my application but their only response was “We just don’t want you.”
I was devastated and all I could think was “Of course. Why would they want me?” I was a dancer from a small town in nowhere North Dakota, average grades, nothing all that special. There are a million other girls just like me that are probably more talented and intelligent, so why would they choose me?
My path changed dramatically after that. I decided to go to a local university and quit dancing. I felt lost and because of that, began limiting my dreams to options that seemed like logical possibilities with no risk. I thought that if I stayed within my comfort zone I would avoid rejection and disappointment.
Throughout my year at this university I struggled with an underlying mental health condition, a severe stalking and harassment situation, and an overall loss of identity. I felt that I had no future ahead of me and because I didn’t have a vision of one I believed I wasn’t meant to have one in the first place. All of these factors added up and led me to that ever present phrase “why me?”
Why was I so lost? Why was I feeling this way? Why was I being targeted? Why did I not have a future? Why me? All of these thoughts turned into a downward spiral leading me to believe that the only way to find peace was to take my own life.
Throughout the process of recovering, I was able to find a purpose by becoming an advocate for suicide prevention and find my voice as an ambassador for The Peyton Heart Project. Though I was raising awareness nationwide and working hard to provide resources I still had that thought “Why would I be the one to make a difference?” Yes, I was a survivor and have experience that makes my voice important but there are thousands of other people out there with more experience making a greater difference in the world. Even though this was an ever-present thought, I still pressed on and continued to fulfill my mission as a suicide attempt survivor and ambassador because in my heart I knew that it was what I was created to do.
I have travelled to 25 states and 3 countries as an ambassador for The Peyton Heart Project sharing Hearts for Hope with thousands, have attended countless Out of the Darkness Walks, raises thousands of dollars for AFSP to help provide further education and research for suicide prevention, and have even discussed mental health policy with mayors across the nation and my state’s Governor. Despite my own doubts about my abilities, I still pressed on and challenged myself. Throughout the process of developing my programs and advocating for suicide prevention I learned to push my own boundaries and abilities for the sake of making a difference in the lives of others.
When I decided to compete for the title of Miss North Dakota International there came that infamous “Why me?” phrase again. I knew I had worked hard and that my platform was strong but I was standing in a room with women who all had just a strong of platforms. They were all empowered and beautiful women; why would I be the one to take home the crown?
As I was preparing for my interview I had a moment where I was listening to my music where I thought “Why not me?” I had travelled all over the country, I was a worldwide ambassador for The Peyton Heart Project and I was a survivor with a voice; I had the power to make a difference. Just because every woman here has a voice and a mission doesn’t take mine away.
Changing that phrase ever so slightly made a huge difference. Deciding to change my mindset was the game changer walking into my state and national competition. Because as I walked into my state interview instead of thinking of all of the reasons why I shouldn’t take home the title all I could think was “I am Miss North Dakota, just watch me.” I truly believe that that tilt in my confidence made all of the difference and helped me achieve my dream of becoming Miss North Dakota International.
Throughout my reign as Miss North Dakota International I challenge my self-doubt daily (probably hourly if I’m being honest). Because although I achieved my goal and held the title of Miss North Dakota, I still had challenges to face daily. I had to book events, continue developing and fine-tuning Hearts for Hope and represent my state to the best of my ability. On top of that, I was preparing for nationals which I’m sure everyone in my Miss 2019 class can agree is incredibly stressful.
As a titleholder you have a responsibility of being an advocate, a role-model and often times (especially with the platform that I have) a shoulder to cry on and someone to confide in. As much as I tried to keep the “why me?” thoughts to myself it’s hard as a titleholder to believe that you are worthy at times. I often struggled with the thought that I was not fulfilling my role and doing enough for my platform and raising awareness for suicide prevention (something I still feel at times as Miss International). I again had to quickly change my mindset because I am just one woman; I realistically can’t save the world on my own. Instead of thinking I was not enough I had to think “If make even one person feel loved, heard, and valued today; I have fulfilled my purpose.”
Walking into Miss International, I was the most confident in myself than I have ever been before. I knew who I was, knew what my mission was and was ready for whatever was ahead whether I took home the crown or not. Miss International week is a fantastic week but it is stressful. You’re surrounded by beautiful and accomplished women and it can lead you to questioning yourself. I had a few moments that week where that “Why me?” thought kept sneaking into my mind. Every woman here was absolutely worthy of being Miss International; why would they pick me?
While I was preparing for the night of finals, I took sometime to myself to listen to my first ever presentation of Hearts for Hope. I did this to remind myself of how far I had come and how much I had accomplished. In four short years I went from a girl waking up on a park bench after attempting to take my own life to becoming a business owner, woman of the year nominee, award winning makeup artist, a worldwide ambassador, and Miss North Dakota International. No matter the outcome, I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to walk on the International Pageant stage among some of the most empowered and influential women I have ever met as a woman I never thought I would become. A woman I was (and am) so proud to be. That “Why me?” turned, once again, into “Why not me? Why can’t I become Miss International?” and I was ready to hit that stage.
While I was on stage that night, I was full of excitement and gratitude. All of the nerves that I had throughout the week quickly fell away and I was able to walk on that state fully assured of who I was and my purpose for being there. All of those “why me’s?” throughout the years that held me back no longer had a hold of me. All of the reasons of why I shouldn’t be Miss International were pushed entirely out of my mind and instead all I could think is “I am Miss International, just watch me.”
When I heard North Dakota called as Miss International it was like every movie triumph moment all in one. All of the sacrifices I had made, self-doubts that I had, appearances, presentations, paperwork, blood, sweat, rhinestones, and tears were well worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing. To bring home this title was a huge milestone not just for me but the state of North Dakota. The moment I was crowned I knew that I wanted this moment to serve as inspiration to all other women in ND and all over the world that it doesn’t matter where you come from or what your story is you can accomplish anything if you just believe in yourself and your mission.
The way we think about ourselves can change our paths forever. Deciding to change one word in a phrase that put me down for so many years led me along a journey that I never thought possible. We are allowed to doubt ourselves but we cannot let our doubts dictate our worth and our futures. The moment that we decide what our capabilities are and step outside of that sweet old comfort zone our dreams can become reality.
Have courage and always be kind.
Ava Hill
Miss International 2019
Winning the title of Miss International was a dream I never thought would become a reality. A phrase that has always been a repeating theme in my life has been “Why me?” Well, let me tell you, the moment I changed that phrase from “Why me?” to “Why not me?” was when the whole game changed.
Like I mentioned, this has been a repeating phrase in my life for sometime. One of the first times it crossed my mind was when applying for college at the University of Minnesota and auditioning for their dance program. As a state a national champion dancer, a dream of mine was to dance with the University of Minnesota. I felt amazing at the audition for the program. I was hitting every turn, nailing the choreography and felt entirely in my element. The program was everything I was looking for at the time and felt like a fit for me.
A few weeks later I received my letter that I made the cut! I was going to be part of the dance program! However, I was still waiting on my acceptance into the actual school. Unfortunately, that letter never came. I called the school and did everything that I could to change their minds and accept my application but their only response was “We just don’t want you.”
I was devastated and all I could think was “Of course. Why would they want me?” I was a dancer from a small town in nowhere North Dakota, average grades, nothing all that special. There are a million other girls just like me that are probably more talented and intelligent, so why would they choose me?
My path changed dramatically after that. I decided to go to a local university and quit dancing. I felt lost and because of that, began limiting my dreams to options that seemed like logical possibilities with no risk. I thought that if I stayed within my comfort zone I would avoid rejection and disappointment.
Throughout my year at this university I struggled with an underlying mental health condition, a severe stalking and harassment situation, and an overall loss of identity. I felt that I had no future ahead of me and because I didn’t have a vision of one I believed I wasn’t meant to have one in the first place. All of these factors added up and led me to that ever present phrase “why me?”
Why was I so lost? Why was I feeling this way? Why was I being targeted? Why did I not have a future? Why me? All of these thoughts turned into a downward spiral leading me to believe that the only way to find peace was to take my own life.
Throughout the process of recovering, I was able to find a purpose by becoming an advocate for suicide prevention and find my voice as an ambassador for The Peyton Heart Project. Though I was raising awareness nationwide and working hard to provide resources I still had that thought “Why would I be the one to make a difference?” Yes, I was a survivor and have experience that makes my voice important but there are thousands of other people out there with more experience making a greater difference in the world. Even though this was an ever-present thought, I still pressed on and continued to fulfill my mission as a suicide attempt survivor and ambassador because in my heart I knew that it was what I was created to do.
I have travelled to 25 states and 3 countries as an ambassador for The Peyton Heart Project sharing Hearts for Hope with thousands, have attended countless Out of the Darkness Walks, raises thousands of dollars for AFSP to help provide further education and research for suicide prevention, and have even discussed mental health policy with mayors across the nation and my state’s Governor. Despite my own doubts about my abilities, I still pressed on and challenged myself. Throughout the process of developing my programs and advocating for suicide prevention I learned to push my own boundaries and abilities for the sake of making a difference in the lives of others.
As I was preparing for my interview I had a moment where I was listening to my music where I thought “Why not me?” I had travelled all over the country, I was a worldwide ambassador for The Peyton Heart Project and I was a survivor with a voice; I had the power to make a difference. Just because every woman here has a voice and a mission doesn’t take mine away.
Changing that phrase ever so slightly made a huge difference. Deciding to change my mindset was the game changer walking into my state and national competition. Because as I walked into my state interview instead of thinking of all of the reasons why I shouldn’t take home the title all I could think was “I am Miss North Dakota, just watch me.” I truly believe that that tilt in my confidence made all of the difference and helped me achieve my dream of becoming Miss North Dakota International.
As a titleholder you have a responsibility of being an advocate, a role-model and often times (especially with the platform that I have) a shoulder to cry on and someone to confide in. As much as I tried to keep the “why me?” thoughts to myself it’s hard as a titleholder to believe that you are worthy at times. I often struggled with the thought that I was not fulfilling my role and doing enough for my platform and raising awareness for suicide prevention (something I still feel at times as Miss International). I again had to quickly change my mindset because I am just one woman; I realistically can’t save the world on my own. Instead of thinking I was not enough I had to think “If make even one person feel loved, heard, and valued today; I have fulfilled my purpose.”
While I was preparing for the night of finals, I took sometime to myself to listen to my first ever presentation of Hearts for Hope. I did this to remind myself of how far I had come and how much I had accomplished. In four short years I went from a girl waking up on a park bench after attempting to take my own life to becoming a business owner, woman of the year nominee, award winning makeup artist, a worldwide ambassador, and Miss North Dakota International. No matter the outcome, I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to walk on the International Pageant stage among some of the most empowered and influential women I have ever met as a woman I never thought I would become. A woman I was (and am) so proud to be. That “Why me?” turned, once again, into “Why not me? Why can’t I become Miss International?” and I was ready to hit that stage.
While I was on stage that night, I was full of excitement and gratitude. All of the nerves that I had throughout the week quickly fell away and I was able to walk on that state fully assured of who I was and my purpose for being there. All of those “why me’s?” throughout the years that held me back no longer had a hold of me. All of the reasons of why I shouldn’t be Miss International were pushed entirely out of my mind and instead all I could think is “I am Miss International, just watch me.”
When I heard North Dakota called as Miss International it was like every movie triumph moment all in one. All of the sacrifices I had made, self-doubts that I had, appearances, presentations, paperwork, blood, sweat, rhinestones, and tears were well worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing. To bring home this title was a huge milestone not just for me but the state of North Dakota. The moment I was crowned I knew that I wanted this moment to serve as inspiration to all other women in ND and all over the world that it doesn’t matter where you come from or what your story is you can accomplish anything if you just believe in yourself and your mission.
Have courage and always be kind.
Ava Hill
Miss International 2019
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